DATING SMALL
"People keep telling me I'm living in a mine field, I have made a home out of a landmine"
Red letter day. My eating disorder is now 10 years old. It tried to kill me once and threatened to do so a handful of other times. Wouldn't recommend it. Not gonna quit it either. Oh well oh well. But. This attitude combined with being jarringly open about it often gets me accused of being "proana". That's a funny accusation to me, but also an active reminder to not talk about eds with non-disordered people. Not only that, but non-disordered people can't really seem to get their shit together around me. They don't know what to say or how to say it. It's awkward. I often ened up getting a lot of empty reassurances of people "being there for me" ...for what? Being there for me for what?
Here's what. They're 'here for me' to take me out for pizzas and burgers if I choose to recover. They see it as a struggle, a terrible thing, a curse upon me from the pits of hell. It's not that. And that's not the kind of "support" I need. This has been a part of me for the past 10 years, there's no clear line for where disorder ends and the Will starts. It's all just me. These 'behaviors' are me. Not a demon I'm trying to resist. Not an entity I'm trying to fight. It's just me.
But now that I've gotten that out of the way, let's get to the actual post. I have friends with eating disorders or pasts with eating disorders. The ones currently big into their ed are the ones I talk to about it the most. Some former ed ppl don't mind so they get occasional comments about how I'm doing. Everyone else gets kept in the dark.
But now I'm doing something new. I'm dating someone with about 10 years of disordered shit under their belt as well. A different ed, mind you, but an ed nevertheless. Anorexia was always my drug of choice for several reasons. But my partner understands me despite having been bulimic, now sitting somewhere in the subtypes.
It caught my eye how severely underweight she was when we started talking on tinder. I had to make a judgement call. Could I do this without getting competitive and ruining the relationship? We were incredibly compatible and felt radioactive desire for each other, like two magnets pulling towards each other. So I decided I wanted to try at least. And try I did. With better results than I ever could've predicted.
Of course, there are adjustments you wouldn't see in a regular relationship. I'll post about those more. But the level of support here is insane. Someone who seess me through the eyes of another person but also knows exactly how I see myself. It's incredible. I know most people couldn't make it work, but boy am I endlessly grateful that I could.
I'm gonna make a separate section for all that. So it can be looked at or ignored
"People keep telling me I'm living in a mine field, I have made a home out of a landmine"
Red letter day. My eating disorder is now 10 years old. It tried to kill me once and threatened to do so a handful of other times. Wouldn't recommend it. Not gonna quit it either. Oh well oh well. But. This attitude combined with being jarringly open about it often gets me accused of being "proana". That's a funny accusation to me, but also an active reminder to not talk about eds with non-disordered people. Not only that, but non-disordered people can't really seem to get their shit together around me. They don't know what to say or how to say it. It's awkward. I often ened up getting a lot of empty reassurances of people "being there for me" ...for what? Being there for me for what?
Here's what. They're 'here for me' to take me out for pizzas and burgers if I choose to recover. They see it as a struggle, a terrible thing, a curse upon me from the pits of hell. It's not that. And that's not the kind of "support" I need. This has been a part of me for the past 10 years, there's no clear line for where disorder ends and the Will starts. It's all just me. These 'behaviors' are me. Not a demon I'm trying to resist. Not an entity I'm trying to fight. It's just me.
But now that I've gotten that out of the way, let's get to the actual post. I have friends with eating disorders or pasts with eating disorders. The ones currently big into their ed are the ones I talk to about it the most. Some former ed ppl don't mind so they get occasional comments about how I'm doing. Everyone else gets kept in the dark.
But now I'm doing something new. I'm dating someone with about 10 years of disordered shit under their belt as well. A different ed, mind you, but an ed nevertheless. Anorexia was always my drug of choice for several reasons. But my partner understands me despite having been bulimic, now sitting somewhere in the subtypes.
It caught my eye how severely underweight she was when we started talking on tinder. I had to make a judgement call. Could I do this without getting competitive and ruining the relationship? We were incredibly compatible and felt radioactive desire for each other, like two magnets pulling towards each other. So I decided I wanted to try at least. And try I did. With better results than I ever could've predicted.
Of course, there are adjustments you wouldn't see in a regular relationship. I'll post about those more. But the level of support here is insane. Someone who seess me through the eyes of another person but also knows exactly how I see myself. It's incredible. I know most people couldn't make it work, but boy am I endlessly grateful that I could.
I'm gonna make a separate section for all that. So it can be looked at or ignored