I'M IN LOVE
"And it's not just performative nonsense now"
I've been in a handful of relationhips. They've always followed this very specific pattern. Person develops a crush on me. I get horny and develop this strange pseudo-crush on them. We flirt around for a while, everything's great, everything's fun. Then it gets more serious. And this is when things start going wrong. This is the moment everything can be traced back to.
-> Their crush starts slowly turning into love, into commitment, into something nice. Into vulnerability. Into deep confessions at night. Into planning a future together.
-> And in turn, my crush starts fading. I lose interest at the same rate they fall in love. Reacting to their little shows of affection starts feeling like a chore to me. The kisses and caring glances start filling me with resentment. The sex goes from uninteresting to worse.
And then it comes to a head. There becomes a point where I just can't take it anymore so I dump them.
And now it's different. I wake up next to them and cant help but wonder how I got so lucky. I play with their hair and hold them close and feel like I have the literal sun in my arms. And everything makes sense for a while, why none of my earlier relationships worked. Why they were doomed from the start. Because it wasn't this person. Everyone else was trying to build a house out of straw and I was the Big Bad Wolf tearing it down as they went. Now we're both building something TOGETHER.
And even when I'm bored, I'm not bored of them, I'm bored with them. And we come up with something silly to do together or just enjoy feeling bored together. Even when they're playing their little computer game and I'm typing away with my laptop on their butt, I'm still just so full of joy, being with them.
I'm scared of karma. I'm scared that sooner rather than later it'll be time for me to pay for the sins of my past relationships.
"And it's not just performative nonsense now"
I've been in a handful of relationhips. They've always followed this very specific pattern. Person develops a crush on me. I get horny and develop this strange pseudo-crush on them. We flirt around for a while, everything's great, everything's fun. Then it gets more serious. And this is when things start going wrong. This is the moment everything can be traced back to.
-> Their crush starts slowly turning into love, into commitment, into something nice. Into vulnerability. Into deep confessions at night. Into planning a future together.
-> And in turn, my crush starts fading. I lose interest at the same rate they fall in love. Reacting to their little shows of affection starts feeling like a chore to me. The kisses and caring glances start filling me with resentment. The sex goes from uninteresting to worse.
And then it comes to a head. There becomes a point where I just can't take it anymore so I dump them.
And now it's different. I wake up next to them and cant help but wonder how I got so lucky. I play with their hair and hold them close and feel like I have the literal sun in my arms. And everything makes sense for a while, why none of my earlier relationships worked. Why they were doomed from the start. Because it wasn't this person. Everyone else was trying to build a house out of straw and I was the Big Bad Wolf tearing it down as they went. Now we're both building something TOGETHER.
And even when I'm bored, I'm not bored of them, I'm bored with them. And we come up with something silly to do together or just enjoy feeling bored together. Even when they're playing their little computer game and I'm typing away with my laptop on their butt, I'm still just so full of joy, being with them.
I'm scared of karma. I'm scared that sooner rather than later it'll be time for me to pay for the sins of my past relationships.